*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”