Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.