*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.