@sydneyrachel

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

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@Jeffwni

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

@hangin_out

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@caliluvgirl77

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@ch000ch

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

@c8h10n4o2m

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@KalvinMacleod

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?