michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
🙂🙃🥹
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains