@MichaelTrying

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

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@reallifemommy3

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

@_little_old_me

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

@NamestartswithZ

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

@GirrlGenius

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

@3sunzzz

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@ch000ch

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there