Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.