Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I love the honesty
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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