Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

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“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*


If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.


It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.


Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.


Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.


I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.


Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.


If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I


I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.