@SamSkinnerKC

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

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@3sunzzz

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

@howe007

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

@Shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@TheCatWhisprer

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

@Grommit56

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

@etherealraccoon

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.