@3sunzzz “This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
@SamSkinnerKC Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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@3sunzzz 
@howe007 If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
@Shariv67 It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
@TheCatWhisprer Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
@ericamorecambe For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
@BrendanMcKeigan Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
@Grommit56 I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
@etherealraccoon If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
@3sunzzz I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.