Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.