Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.