Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.