Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now