Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
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In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.