microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
wait.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.