[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I was up all night reading about insomnia
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.