“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
War & Peace
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.