Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.