Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.