Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon