Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
This classic never gets old . . .
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head