microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?