Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one