@fro_vo

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

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@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

@AnOrangeSNES

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

@fro_vo

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

@Rollmaninoz

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

@ShortSleeveSuit

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

@SoulYodeler

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

@Reverend_Scott

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

@Rollinintheseat

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

@mxmclain

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

@Playing_Dad

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles