[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
We’ve come full circle
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: