[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
You Might Also Like
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
For the ones in the back.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.