Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

So we got a goldfish…

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.