Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
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How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The biggest mystery of our time
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small