[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
You Might Also Like
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
CUTE CAT‼︎