[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it