[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
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The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings