Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.