[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Anyone want a chair?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed