Midwest trash talk
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*