midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
You Might Also Like
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.