might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Always 🥴
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.