Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.