Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…