Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
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I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Meanwhile in Canada…
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.