Might start laying my own eggs
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People might drive more safely
if airbags were filled with glitter
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack