Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.