Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”