Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Grandmother clock.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?