Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
im 7 sauces long
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.