Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*