Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
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My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
multitasking lunch
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Who chose this font
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime