Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
They got Raph!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.