Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
You Might Also Like
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it