MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
went fishing caught a bass
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???