Milk Cube
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
That’s enough internet for the day
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles