[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Wait for it
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
thank god