Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
When you put it that way… 😂
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together