Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You Might Also Like
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
😲 WTF? 😆
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Oceanography is all about current events
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Art by Pastelkatto